Including Adam’s Apples and Kisses

SATURDAY OCTOBER 22

Sabrina Down Under (Four, 6.30pm). Tie me teenage witch down, sport. (1999) 5

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (TV2, 7.30pm). TV2 is managing to play the Pirates of the Caribbean series in order, which is more than can be said for its random assault on Harry Potter. Tonight, it’s No 3: Jack Sparrow and the rest of the gang must summon the Pirate Lords from the four corners of the globe to overcome Cutler Beckett and the heartless Davy Jones. Best scene by a nautical mile: Cap’n Jack is trapped in Davy Jones’s Locker and hallucinates that the entire crew of the Black Pearl looks like him, each representing a different facet of his character. Suddenly, the stones crack and turn into thousands of crabs, which manoeuvre the marooned ship back into the sea. Surreal. (2007) 6

Adam's Apples

The Bourne Identity (TV3, 8.30pm). Gee, I forget things sometimes, but I’ve never washed up in the Med with bullet wounds and no clue who I am. That’s what happens to poor old … whatever his name is. He can’t remember and the only clue to his identity is a Swiss bank account number etched on a capsule and implanted in his body. Ew! Based on the novel by Robert Ludlum, this is the first of three Bourne thrillers, all directed by Doug Liman and starring Matt Damon. (Another one is due out next year.) This is good, solid, old-fashioned running-around-with-guns stuff, delivering up plenty of excitement and even the odd smile. Also stars Clive Owen, Chris Cooper, Franka Potente and Julia Stiles. (2002) 8

Remember the Titans (TV1, 9.30pm). One of those fact-based underdog sports team dramas that just requires you to identify the “disability” and let the thing run itself. Are they the scrawniest players, the dimmest players, the least posh players …? In this case, the Titans are the most newly integrated players: in 1971, coach Herman Boone is charged with turning a team of deeply distrustful black and white footballers into a fighting unit. Maybe, in New Zealand, we just can’t imagine people from all communities not mucking in together on the sports field but, here, hard times have been turned into feel-good melodrama. A super-slick Jerry Bruckheimer production with Denzel Washington as the chief rebuilding block. (2000) 6

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Adam’s Apples (Maori, 9.30pm). The fruit has all kinds of symbolic importance in this Danish black comedy about Ivan, a rural minister who tries hard to find the goodness in everybody. These things are sent to try him: a violent Saudi immigrant, a drunken tennis pro who can’t keep his pants on, and then Adam, a psychotic neo-Nazi sentenced to community service at his church. Adam sarcastically declares his goal is to bake an apple cake and he is put in charge of the highly allegorical tree in front of the church. But will he instead produce a humble pie or an apple Danish? This isn’t a thigh-slapper, being Scandinavian, but the black humour is subversive and satisfying. (2005) 7

SUNDAY OCTOBER 23

Step Brothers (TV2, 8.30pm). A really incredibly stupid comedy from the team that brought you – possibly against your will – Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. Writer/director Adam McKay is back with another daft situation for Will Ferrell (who co-wrote) and John C Reilly, but this time they’re not Nascar drivers, they’re fortysomething loser stepbrothers. And some childish and unembarrassable part of you is going to be laughing. (2008) 6

Jaws: The Revenge (Four, 8.30pm). In which a bunch of concerned great whites take action against the producers of this increasingly crap franchise and demand that no more Jaws-y films get made. And you know what? They succeed. (1987) 2

Orphan (TV2, 10.25pm). A little horror. (2009) 6

LABOUR DAY

Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (TV3, 8.40pm). From a relic that controls life and death to Pandora’s Box – that Lara Croft sure has an interesting day job. But unlike the “real” Pandora’s Box, this really only offers bad things: flimsy directing, a dreary script and a laughable plot that screams “video game adaptation”. But that Angelina Jolie, she’s a man’s woman. Anyway, Jolie had by now grown bored with Billy Bob Thornton and no longer wore a vial of his blood around her neck, but she was still some way off bedding Brad Pitt … (2003) 4

Kisses (Rialto, Sky 025, 8.30pm). This modest, gritty little Irish drama is about two kids who run away from abusive homes at Christmas time to spend a magical and terrifying night on the streets of Dublin. I love the way their working-class vernacular is given subtitles. It’s even better when those subtitles are wrong! Great work by the kids (Kelly O’Neill and Shane Curry), and it’s a treat when the black and white of their dreary suburb is transformed into sparkling colour when they reach the city. (2008) 7

TUESDAY OCTOBER 25

From Hell (Four, 8.30pm). Mwa ha ha! Roll up, roll up, welcome to Victorian London in the time of Jack the Ripper – all steaming cobbles and dank slums. Johnny Depp looks so young and defenceless as Inspector Frederick Abberline that girls want to clasp him in their heaving, prostitute-y bosoms and run away with him to the countryside. (This Frederick is portrayed as a dope fiend and a clairvoyant for dramatic purposes, although he was more prosaic in real life.) As Inspector Fred wades through the gore and excised organs of the Ripper’s victims, it occurs to him it’s probably not a wise idea to fall in love with a Whitechapel hooker. Depp is ably supported by Heather Graham, Ian Holm, Robbie Coltrane and Susan Lynch, but US brothers Allen and Albert Hughes’s highbrow slasher pic is surprisingly dull. (2001) 6

FRIDAY OCTOBER 28

Slither (Four, 8.30pm). “Attack of the killer chillis” – or that’s what this film’s poster would have you believe. Actually, they are alien slugs and the evil little critters have invaded a small town in the US. Pretty soon, the whole show is full of dribbling space zombies. (A bit like what you become if you watch TV1 these days.) Nathan Fillion (TV’s Castle) leers his way through this as the local sheriff. But the good news – it’s a zomcom: it’s supposed to look like a low-budget horror. Screenwriter James Gunn also has a go at directing, and you won’t be surprised to learn he also wrote the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead, which is similar but not funny. Don’t find zombies funny? Then don’t watch the UK contribution, Shaun of the Dead, either. (2006) 7