Including Shaun of the Dead and Don’t Move

SATURDAY OCTOBER 29

Monsters, Inc. (TV2, 7.30pm). Pixar came up with a very weird concept for an animated movie here. It’s about a bunch of monsters living in a scream-processing factory that literally runs on fear: the creatures have to generate energy by scaring the bejesus out of little kids. Of course, the monsters are quite nice in real life and are, themselves, terrified of children – which means one is going to show up and wreak havoc. John Goodman and Billy Crystal are the voices of the two main “men”. Perplexing but, apparently, not frightening. (2001) 7

Shaun of the Dead

Kingdom of Heaven (TV3, 8.30pm). It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that Orlando Bloom can’t cope with the present day: he doesn’t spend enough time in it. Here he’s a 12th-century French blacksmith who is given the job of defending Jerusalem during the Crusades. Director Ridley Scott’s pal King Mohammed VI of Morocco kindly lent out 1500 of his soldiers: they played both Christians (in Weta Workshop chainmail) and Muslims. But everything about this epic whopper is on a grand scale. Scott had an enormous replica of Jerusalem built in Ouarzazate, Morocco, where he also shot Gladiator and Black Hawk Down; 7500 weapons and 3000 shields were constructed and the filming of the siege of Jerusalem took 21 days, whereas the actual siege lasted only 13. So you do all this and it takes years – and the bloody critics don’t like it. Lacks depth? Not satisfying enough? Jeez. It’s a Holy War, not a PhD thesis on the Middle Ages. With Jeremy Irons, Liam Neeson, Brendan Gleeson, Eva Green and our Marton Csokas. (2003) 7

aimRenderAd(300, 250, '300X250','ContentRect','/POS=POS2'); if(!$.browser.msie){ ContentRect_frame = $("#ContentRect")[0]; ContentRect_frame.src = ContentRect_frame.src; }

So I Married an Axe Murderer (Four, 8.30pm). After Wayne’s World and before Austin Powers: this is early Mike Myers. He attempts to play a romantic leading man in this cult classic about a poet who meets the girl of his dreams (Nancy Travis) in a butcher’s shop, where she works and has learnt a lot about cutting things up. We know he’s winding up to funnier stuff, and this is mildly amusing in places, but the hair had to go. (1993) 5

Black Sheep (TV2, 9.30pm). Our very own Kiwi zomcom, only here it’s genetically engineered sheep that turn into killing machines.
A homegrown hoot, written and directed by Jonathan King with a great cast: Oliver Driver is particularly good as a greenie who turns feral after being savaged by a wild woolly. Maaaagical. (2006) 7

Don’t Move (Maori, 9.30pm). That Penélope Cruz sure is versatile – she’s able to look slightly constipated in at least three languages. Here, she’s in Sergio Castelitto’s Italian/Spanish drama about a fancy surgeon who is looking back at the past 15 years while he waits to see if his teenage daughter will come out of a coma following a motorbike accident. Cruz is the destitute hottie who has been his mistress all this time – complete with bad dental work and no makeup. Either a hopelessly overwound melodrama or a deeply intense and well-acted “foreign film”, depending on your tastes. Because Italian is the language of love, I’ll give it a pass. Aka Non ti Muovere. (2004) 6

The Man with the Golden Gun (TV1, 11.25pm). Not one of the more memorable Bonds – named fourth worst in an Entertainment Weekly ranking – although there were plaudits for Christopher Lee as the villain, Scaramanga. Against a background of the 1970s energy crisis, Roger Moore’s Bond has to retrieve the stolen sun-harnessing “solex agitator” (might as well have been called a MacGuffin) from Scaramanga. Boring. (1974) 4

SUNDAY OCTOBER 30

The Invention of Lying (TV3, 8.30pm). The best comedy ever. Ricky Gervais is funnier than he was in The Office. It’s hilarious all the way through. He’s great at directing himself. No, hang on. Unlike the characters in this movie, we don’t live in a world where nobody lies. Truth is, the funny set-up wanes quickly, like being allowed to eat only chocolate chip biscuits. Gervais’s clout across the Atlantic meant he could attract a sterling cast, though: it’s got Rob Lowe, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Tina Fey, Jason Bateman, Christopher Guest, Edward Norton, Jennifer Garner and his old pal, dopey Stephen Merchant from Extras. (2009) 6

MONDAY OCTOBER 31

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (TV3, 8.30pm). This is a message from the Afterlife for Brendan Fraser. Stop making The Mummy films. This one is junk and you have offended the ancient spirits. (2008) 4

Shaun of the Dead (Four, 8.30pm). Part one of Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright’s “blood and ice-cream trilogy” – the second part being Hot Fuzz, which screened on October 2 on TV3. Part three, The World’s End, is due for release in 2014. So, basically, another taking-the-piss-out-of-zombie-movies movie, with maximum amounts of violence and gore (see also Black Sheep, Saturday). There was Slither (last week, on Four) and also the serious I Am Legend (October 9, on TV2). Zombies: they’re so hot on TV right now. This film achieved a cult following in the UK, partly because it borrowed so much from Spaced, a TV series also written by Pegg and Wright and starring the former and his mate Nick Frost. Hilarious and yukky and I got pretty sick of it by the end. But that’s just me, apparently. (2004) 7