Including The Young Victoria and Boy

SATURDAY OCTOBER 1

Until Proven Innocent (TV1, 8.30pm). Busy Peter Burger seems to have found his niche making TV dramas about real-life events in our history. His Bloodlines repeated a few weeks ago, and now we’re seeing this reconstruction of convicted rapist David Dougherty’s story again. Strong acting (Peter Elliott, Cohen Holloway, Jodie Rimmer) and a good sound script by Donna Malane and Paula Boock keep this humming along. (2009) 7

Wild Hogs (TV2, 8.30pm). A tragic mid-life crisis movie for John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence and William H Macy. Most men work through this by scraping up the bucks for a sports car: these stars make a film about their pathetic attempts to be big men on bikes, but they expertly hit every cliché and retreaded joke in their path – and then set fire to a bar belonging to some real bikers. “Sometimes you’ve got to slap the bull” doesn’t mean what you think it does. In this film, it means … slapping a bull. (2007) 4

The Mummy Returns (TV3, 8.30pm). Part one of a weird Rachel Weisz double feature tonight: an action-adventure-horror third go-around that should also include “comedy”. It isn’t intentional, but what do you expect when your poor man’s Indiana Jones is trying to live quietly in London with his Egyptologist wife (Weisz) and son and along comes a crazed 3000-year-old corpse? And the Scorpion King (Dwayne Johnson)? Oh, come on. Way too much special effect and not nearly enough ordinary plot. (2001) 5

Boy

Boy (Maori, 9.00pm). It would be an unpatriotic act to dislike this film, which speaks so truly of our Kiwiness and our certainty that we can now celebrate it. Taika Waititi, who has quietly become a bit of a taonga, isn’t afraid to match side-splitting moments with achingly sad ones, scene for scene – he knows we’ll follow Boy’s story to the end. (If you didn’t, you’d miss the priceless mash-up of Poi E and Thriller with the closing credits.) Waititi, good as he is as bad dad Alamein, is almost upstaged by James Rolleston and Te Aho Eketone-Whitu as Boy and his little brother, Rocky. (2010) 9

Lethal Weapon (TV2, 10.30pm). Another name for Mel Gibson’s big gob. (1987) 7

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The Constant Gardener (TV3, 11.35pm). Dammit. Don’t you wish Ralph Fiennes could get the girl sometimes? He’s veering close to English Patient territory here as he hunts for his wife’s killer in Kenya with that look of haunting intensity that makes you wonder if he was born a hauntingly intense baby. She (Rachel Weisz, again) has stepped into a hornet’s nest of corruption and cover-ups involving pharmaceuticals. Based on the novel by John le Carré, this is City of God director Fernando Meirelles’ first English-language film: a smart thriller in which the leads are particularly good (Weisz won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar). Scary, and nothing to do with gardening. (2005) 8

SUNDAY OCTOBER 2

The Young Victoria (TV1, 8.30pm). Emily Blunt (a very modern bitch in The Devil Wears Prada) plays Queen Victoria in the first years of her reign and shows us a different side of the old trout who gave the word “Victorian” such a bad name. As her beloved Albert, Rupert Friend is almost undone by a floppy caterpillar on his upper lip. Nine stately piles and Westminster Abbey gave their all to make this look good and it does, although it lacks the passion of other royal biopics like Mrs Brown and The Madness of King George. But perhaps that’s the point: the film feels corseted but that’s how life was when you were in charge of the empire. She did, at least, get to choose her husband. Producers include Martin Scorsese and Sarah Ferguson. Yes, that one. Typically, she got daughter Beatrice (Victoria’s great-great-great-great-granddaughter) a part as one of the queen’s ladies-in-waiting. (2009) 7

2012 (TV2, 8.30pm). Let’s hope the end of the world has a better storyline. But what would normally be a couple of hours of entertaining escapism looks different now: all these shifting landscapes and collapsing structures are too close to home after the year we’ve had. Don’t watch if you live in Christchurch. (2009) 5

Hot Fuzz (TV3, 8.30pm). Before Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg wrote this script, they read critic Roger Ebert’s book that lists all the clichés from action movies, and then religiously included them all. What you get here is a surprisingly original spoof on buddy cop films, in the same way that their earlier effort, Shaun of the Dead, is a spoof on zombie movies. Pegg and his Shaun offsider Nick Frost star as a top city cop relocated to the sleepy West Country and a dopey village bobby who couldn’t arrest a guinea pig without backup. But then locals start dying from appalling “accidents” … You can play “spot the Brit acting royalty”: Bill Nighy, Timothy Dalton, Bill Bailey, Jim Broadbent, Steve Coogan and Martin Freeman are all here. (2007) 7

Jaws (Four, 8.30pm). Humans! Yum! (1975) 9

The Last Airbender (Sky Movies, Sky 020, 8.30pm). More unkind adjectives have been applied to everything about this family fantasy adventure than poor old M Night Shyamalan could have dreamed possible. The once-acclaimed director of The Sixth Sense hasn’t just lost his way, but programmed his satnav to “Oblivion” and cranked it up to warp speed 10. Flying bison? M Night, what were you thinking? (2010) 3

FRIDAY OCTOBER 7

Alien 3 (Four, 8.30pm). Quit while you’re ahead. Or while you’ve still got a head. David Fincher directed the third film in the series, but even though it was his first feature, he wouldn’t put up with studio interference and walked away before editing began. (Kiwi Vincent Ward had already had a crack at it but was apparently fired after several disagreements with the producers, although he did contribute the original story.) And Aliens director James Cameron called it “a slap in the face” to the franchise. Anyway, the slimy saga continues and this time a rottweiler gets it. Never liked them anyway. (1992) 6

Apocalypto (Maori, 9.30pm). Now that we know some of the thoughts that are lodged in Mel Gibson’s head, it’s easier to understand why he likes to make movies like this. In this mercilessly bloody account of the fall of the Mayan empire, Gibson chronicles every gore-splattered moment on its way down. As violent as Braveheart, but the Scots are replaced by actors with names like Rudy Youngblood and Morris Birdyellowhead. Historically accurate, apparently, but how would you know? (2006) 7