Including Memento and My Tehran for Sale

SATURDAY NOVEMBER 5

Madagascar (TV2, 7.00pm). A lion, a zebra, a hippo and a giraffe walk into a crate. Not quite on a par with DreamWorks’ best offerings (Shrek, Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit). There’s a good solid storyline, although it gets a bit ethically cornered when Alex the lion (Ben Stiller) reconnects with his inner wild animal and vows not to eat his friends but then discovers sushi. Like fish aren’t people, too. (2005) 7

My Tehran for Sale

Memento (TV1, 8.30pm). Poor old Leonard (Guy Pearce) knows something awful happened to his wife but he can’t remember what. I know what you’re thinking: this is a spin-off of Ellen DeGeneres’s character Dory the blue fish from Finding Nemo, right? No, silly, Dory can’t take photos. She’s a fish. Leonard, on the other hand, is constantly snapping Polaroids, taking notes and tattooing himself in order to piece together the events that led to his having the short-term memory of … a fish. Christopher Nolan (Inception, The Dark Knight) has created a typically smart and jittery thriller that will confuse the hell out of you on first viewing: the narrative plays 52 Pick-up with Leonard’s already fractured thought processes. (2000) 8

New in Town (TV3, 8.30pm). Old in Movieland. Yet another retelling of the hoary old fish-out-of-water city-slicker-in-the-country story. (And what’s with all the fish? – Ed.) Renée Zellweger and Harry Connick jnr try as the hard-ass Miami businesswoman and her hairy Minnesota love interest, but the only point of difference here is an extreme climate. It’ll leave you cold. Zellweger seems more comfortable playing the very English Bridget Jones (see Tuesday). (2009) 5

Six Days, Seven Nights (TV2, 8.45pm). The Hawaiian island of Kauai stands in for Tahiti in this watered-down action adventure starring Harrison Ford and Anne Heche. Ford does his Indiana Jones kind of thing anyway, as a grumpy pilot stranded in the Pacific with yet another whining big-city girl out of her comfort zone. Temuera Morrison and Cliff Curtis play feral brown people (they have never really risen above that in Hollywood) who attack our heroes because … that’s what feral brown people do, apparently. Several clichéd situations rolled into one: for the definitive odd-couple actioner, rent The African Queen. (1998) 6

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My Tehran for Sale (Maori, 9.30pm). Maori TV screens another important world film you probably won’t see anywhere else on TV. This Australian movie, made by Iranian-Australian poet Granaz Moussavi, tells the loosely true story of a young Iranian actress in Tehran whose stage work is banned by the authorities because it is openly critical of the republic’s hard-line policies. She meets another actor who offers her a chance at a new life free from oppression. It has been reported that actress Marzieh Vafamehr – who appears in the film without a hijab headscarf – was arrested in July and has been sentenced to jail and 90 lashes. This film was never intended for release in Iran but has been distributed illegally – and condemned by conservative commentators. (2009) 7

SUNDAY NOVEMBER 6

Year One (TV2, 8.30pm). Before humour was invented. Jack Black, Michael Cera and producer Judd Apatow all deserved to get stoned for this shocker. And we don’t mean like that. Puzzlingly bad and historically dodgy: since when were biblical times prehistoric? (2009) 4

You, Me and Dupree (TV3, 8.30pm). About the worst thing Owen Wilson has been in. A terribly laboured three’s-a-crowd comedy where Wilson rehashes his increasingly boring slacker persona as the best friend who just won’t leave. You can make him disappear, however. One press of a button and poof! He’s gone. (2006) 4

My Cousin Vinny (Four, 8.30pm). Marisa Tomei was a surprise best actress Oscar winner for her role as the brassy Noo Yoik girlfriend of the title’s Vinny (Joe Pesci), a newly qualified motormouth lawyer who finds himself defending his cousin and a friend on trumped-up charges in Alabama. Who knew a murder rap could be so entertaining? (1992) 7

Wonder Boys (Maori, 8.30pm). This one’s got John-Boy Walton in it! But don’t let that put you off – it’s a gentle little gem: slow-moving, funny and thoughtful. It contains, as Roger Ebert put it, “dead dogs, Monroe memorabilia, a stolen car, sex, adultery, pregnancy, guns, dope and cops, but it is not about any of those things. It is about people and especially about trying to be a good teacher.” Michael Douglas puts in one of his best performances, as stoned university professor Grady Tripp, and the excellent cast also includes Robert Downey jnr, Tobey Maguire, Frances McDormand, Katie Holmes and Rip Torn. Based on the novel by Michael Chabon and directed by Curtis Hanson (Adaptation, LA Confidential). (2000) 8

Burlesque (Sky Movies, Sky 020, 8.30pm). Just as well they don’t make dear old Cher dance – all her staples would fall out. Previously wooden, she’s now hilariously immobile – every wrinkle terrified into submission by Botox. And Christina Aguilera? Well, she’s young … A very long and somewhat old-fashioned music video that comes across as a slightly nervous challenge to Lady Gaga. We’re waiting. (2010) 5

The Exorcist (TV2, 10.25pm). Yes, we all thought young Regan couldn’t hold a candle to our kids by the end of the school holidays. But the weeks have passed and we now realise our offspring couldn’t possibly scuttle downstairs like inverted insects the way this little devil does. Other than that, well, maybe. A very fine effort sometimes billed as “the scariest film of all time”, from director William Friedkin, who has the honour of creating two films with 100% fresh ratings on Rotten Tomatoes (The Boys in the Band and 12 Angry Men) and one with 0% (Good Times). (1973) 8

My Summer of Love (TV3, 10.40pm). Wonder why this coming-of-age love story is on so late? Maybe TV3 thinks we’re not grown-up enough to handle girls kissing. Pity. This rather good UK drama starring Emily Blunt and Natalie Press is worth staying up for. (2004) 7

MONDAY NOVEMBER 7

Mercury Rising (TV3, 8.30pm). There are some terrific films on TV this week, but this not very thrilling thriller isn’t one of them. Bruce Willis got the two-hander-with-an-unusual-kid thing right in The Sixth Sense the following year. (1998) 5

TUESDAY NOVEMBER 8

Bridget Jones’s Diary (Four, 8.30pm). Tuesday. Watched Bridget Jones’s Diary for 98th time on free-to-air television. Still v v good. Love it just the way it is. (2001) 7

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 11

Rambo: First Blood Part II (Four, 8.30pm). Stop press. Thug with stupid name finds American prisoners of war in Vietnam. In 1985. Duh? (1985) 5