December 10-16: Including The Town and Muppets from Space

SATURDAY DECEMBER 10

Muppets from Space (Four, 6.30pm). Important psychological studies reveal we all identify with a Muppet, so enjoy this cute therapy and don’t think too much about the fact that “your” character only works because someone has a hand up its bottom. (1999) 6

The Santa Clause (TV2, 7.00pm). Great title. Home Improvement TV star Tim Allen stepped up to feature films with this comedy about a guy who accidentally kills Father Christmas and has to step into his buckled boots. Perfectly pleasant in a Disney sort of way; they were also aiming for “heartwarming” and “Christmas classic”. (1994) 6

The Town

About Schmidt (TV1, 8.30pm). Director Alexander Payne (Sideways) clearly thought screen legend Jack Nicholson could manage a retired insurance guy from Nebraska and told him, “Jack, I want you to play a small man.” And so the only large thing about Warren Schmidt is his Winnebago, which he drives to Denver to find out why he matters to the universe in general and to his estranged daughter (Hope Davis) in particular. Jack can, of course. (2002) 8

The Sweetest Thing (TV2, 9.00pm). A blatant attempt by director Roger Kumble to emulate the success of close friends the Farrelly brothers and There’s Something About Mary, but just putting Cameron Diaz in a romcom isn’t enough. You also need some heart, some brains and some humour to go with the smut. Sweet? Just finding something that isn’t downright whiffy would be enough. (2002) 4

Deck Dogz (TV3, 10.45pm). Aussie teenz on skateboardz. Featuring skating god Tony Hawk as “himself”. (2005) 6

SUNDAY DECEMBER 11

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (TV2, 7.00pm). A Sony Pictures animation that nips at the heels of some of Pixar’s best. This one concerns a boy genius whose water-into-food machine malfunctions and pretty soon it’s raining hot dogs and ice cream and waffles. But even in the land of upsizing this turns out to not be a good thing. Food can kill, you know, especially when it’s travelling at terminal velocity. Funny enough to earn the right to slip in a lesson about nutrition. (2009) 7

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All About Steve (TV3, 8.30pm). In a world where eccentric means completely bonkers and socially deaf, dumb and blind, we have the talented Sandra Bullock putting her good name on the line as a verbally dribbling, love-struck stalker. Why, I do not know. She won a worst actress Golden Raspberry award for this and then a best actress Oscar for The Blind Side days later. They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity. Bradley Cooper (Steve) might not agree. Let’s just say the scene where she falls down a mineshaft is a pretty good analogy for the movie. Desperate. (2009) 3

Stripes (Four, 8.30pm). Not a great advert for the US Army, which, amazingly, gave its full co-operation in the making of this rather dated 80s hit comedy for Bill Murray. Bet this one has them bellowing with ironic laughter in US mess tents around the world. (1981) 6

The Town (Sky Movies, Sky 020, 8.30pm). Doug (Ben Affleck) leads a hard crew of four Boston bank robbers who dress as diabolical nuns when they do a job. (Whoopi Goldberg, take note.) But the survival of the “family” is put at risk when Doug falls for a hostage. A stark and solid thriller with terrific work by Affleck, who also wrote the screenplay and directed. Rebecca Hall, Jeremy Renner, John Hamm and Owen Burke also star. (2010) 8

King Lear (Stratos & Sky 089, 8.30pm). Part three of Orson Welles’s trilogy of Shakespeare adaptations. He certainly loved the big characters: this came after Othello and Macbeth, and although he played the lead, Welles didn’t direct. This job went to Andrew McCullough (whose credits include TV’s The Donna Reed Show and Family Ties with Michael J Fox), and it played as a 73-minute TV movie. Fortunately, he didn’t try to run it as a US sitcom, although think of the melodrama some of the ladies of the day could have wrung from it: Lucille Ball as Goneril, Dinah Shore as Regan, Lassie as Cordelia … (1953) 7

Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo (TV2, 8.50pm). What you do if you are a fish-tank cleaner who is mistaken for a male gigolo. (Is there any other kind?) Rob Schneider makes Adam Sandler, who produced, look like Laurence Olivier. (1999) 4

MONDAY DECEMBER 12

Mission: Impossible 2 (TV3, 8.30pm). Tom Cruise is like one of those over-designed racing cars that look as if they’re moving even when they’re standing still. Even when he’s relaxing, he’s like a bird of prey looking to snap up his next Scientology victim. So this full-on, whiz-bang franchise is perfect for him. There’s nothing here that hasn’t been done before, but director John Woo does it faster and louder than anyone else. (2000) 6

TUESDAY DECEMBER 13

Daddy Day Care (TV3, 7.30pm). Two out-of-work dads open a childcare centre. This is the kinder, gentler Eddie Murphy for the noughties. Having discovered how much dough he could make voicing Donkey in Shrek movies and spin-offs, he was obviously happy just to show up for this sort of soft family-friendly entertainment. And, predictably, this will make a perfectly adequate babysitter for your small people while you go off and do something worthwhile. (2003) 5

Head over Heels (Four, 8.30pm). The predictable romcom cavalcade grinds on, but this one tries to broaden its audience by being a murder mystery as well. Either way, it’s a career low for stars Monica Potter and Freddie Prinze Jr – a sort of Rear Window for morons, except in this movie “rear window” would be the punchline to a filthy joke. (2001) 4

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 14

Johnny English (TV3, 7.30pm). Apparently, the Chinese title of this movie translates into “Mr Bean (or Silly Bean, as he’s called in China) Becomes a Secret Agent”. And that’s the problem: too much Bean and not enough Rowan Atkinson. Although that’s his own Aston Martin he’s driving. Bean, of course, could barely control a Mini. (2003) 5

FRIDAY DECEMBER 16

Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit (TV2, 8.30pm). Whoopi, step away from the wimple. (1993) 4

The Marine 2 (Four, 8.30pm). Temuera Morrison gets second billing playing yet another bad brown person in this action trash. It’s set in Thailand. Tem: get a better agent. Looking at this week’s line-up, it’s clear the networks think our brains have gone on holiday already. (2009) 5