The Santa Clause 3: the Escape Clause (TV2, 7.00pm). There is one? Phew. (2006) 4
Christmas with the Kranks (TV3, 7.30pm). What is it with Tim Allen (all those Santa Clauses …) and Christmas? Reviewers were so Grinchy about this “comedy” starring Allen as the over-the-festive-season Luther Krank, and Jamie Lee Curtis never looked worse as his wife, Nora. They want to skip Christmas. You’ll want to skip this. (2004) 3
The Bucket List (TV1, 8.30pm). If I were ploughing through a list of things to do before I died, I wouldn’t put this all-star schmaltzfest anywhere near the top of it. (2007) 6
The Family Stone (TV3, 9.35pm). This gender-switching Meet the Parents Christmas comedy drama has a great cast and a lot of heart and even though it doesn’t seem to know what it wants to be, it puts a lot of effort into trying to get there. Critics couldn’t decide whether the Stones were repellent or fascinating. You choose. With Sarah Jessica Parker, Diane Keaton, Dermot Mulroney, Luke Wilson, Craig T Nelson, Claire Danes and Rachel McAdams. (2007) 6
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (Four, 9.30pm). Sacha Baron Cohen’s mockumentary about a moustachioed innocent abroad is excruciating to watch but, rather like touching an electric fence, you can’t resist doing it. (2006) 8
Cinema Paradiso
Cinema Paradiso (Maori, 9.30pm). A glorious tribute to a simpler age when whole towns would become deserted at cinema opening-time. Even if you don’t like movies, you’ll want to go and see the dreamy, romantic Sicily of this little boy’s post-World War II childhood. Based on the life of director Giuseppe Tornatore, it tells the story of little Salvatore, who fell in love with the movies, attached himself to the fatherly projectionist and eventually tore himself away from his village to establish a successful career in Rome. Beautiful and sad but funny, too, this deservedly won the best foreign language Oscar in 1990. (1988) 8
CHRISTMAS DAY
Finding Nemo (TV2, 7.00pm). A Pixar animated delight about growing up, letting go and learning to trust even the oddest fish. (2003) 9
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Mr Bean’s Holiday (TV3, 7.25pm). It’s widely accepted that Rowan Atkinson’s Mr Bean outings are the silent, slapstick movies from another age dragged into this one. If relentless gags and goofy pratfalls make you laugh and you’re under the age of 10, go for your life. Even Atkinson called it quits after this one, though. (2007) 5
Boy (Maori, 8.30pm). Boy is back: a perfect slice of Kiwiness to go with your Speight’s and Christmas cake on the big day. (2010) 9
National Treasure: The Book of Secrets (TV2, 8.45pm). A preposterous and illogical action mystery in which modern-day treasure hunter Ben Gates (Nicolas Cage) tries to uncover the truth behind the assassination of Abe Lincoln by finding the missing pages from John Wilkes Booth’s diary. Poor Helen Mirren apparently missed out on meeting the Queen following her role as ER because she was filming this string bag of plot contrivances. Won’t make Nic Cage a national treasure any time soon. (2007) 5
Die Hard (TV3, 8.50pm). Bruce Willis is so busy trying to rescue a building at Christmas time he doesn’t get time to change out of his singlet. He and bad guy Alan Rickman appear to be taking the piss for the entire 131 minutes – and yet a star movie was born. (1988) 8
The Big Chill (Four, 9.00pm). Nostalgia sure isn’t what it used to be. Seven baby boomers from uni reunite years later at the funeral of the eighth member of the group, who has killed himself. Eating, dancing and quite a lot of swinging take place, which seems to ease the pain of losing Alex (Kevin Costner, who is the chief loser here as his scenes were cut and he just appears as a corpse. Director Lawrence Kasdan promised him a role in his next film, Silverado, as compensation.) Youthful stars include Glenn Close, Jeff Goldblum, William Hurt, Tom Berenger and Kevin Kline. (1983) 7
BOXING DAY
Braveheart (TV3, 8.30pm). Mel Gibson gets in touch with his inner Scottish rebel. The director and star freely admitted he made half of this so-called history up (nobody had painted themselves blue for 800 years) but – true or not – 13th-century Scotland was no place for sissies. An eye-wateringly violent account of commoner William Wallace and his battle to overthrow the English. It won five Oscars, including best picture and best director. (1995) 7
Poseidon (TV2, 9.15pm). Titanic without the period drama interest, The Poseidon Adventure (on which this is based) without the 70s cheesy bravado, this is a po-faced, poorly written disaster epic that will put you off cruising as surely as The Towering Inferno made you think twice about tall buildings. Playing the usual collection of troubled individuals are Kurt Russell, Richard Dreyfuss, Josh Lucas and a whole lot of others whom we see falling from a great height when the ship turns turtle. Watch Das Boot if you want to see the director of both films, Wolfgang Petersen, really create merry hell on the water. (2006) 5
TUESDAY DECEMBER 27Bachelor Party 2: the Last Temptation (Four, 9.00pm). Noxious. (2007) 3
WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 28
Muriel’s Wedding (TV1, 8.30pm). Cracker Christmas classic from across the Tassie in general and Porpoise Spit in particular that launched the careers of Toni Collette and Rachel Griffiths. And hey! There’s an Abba song for every time in your life. (1994) 8
Speed (TV3, 9.05pm). As nimble as its title would suggest. Jan de Bont’s action classic about an LA city bus that is rigged with a bomb that will go off if the speedo drops below 50mph is so swift, Keanu Reeves actually looks as if he’s talking and thinking at the same time, and Sandra Bullock’s Annie made the world fall in love with her. Dennis Hopper is evil! (1994) 8
THURSDAY DECEMBER 29
Speed 2: Cruise Control (TV3, 8.30pm). And grinding to a halt. Keanu Reeves had the good sense to go touring with his band rather than return for round two. Sandra Bullock did, but later referred to this as “the biggest piece of crap ever made”. Tem Morrison is … a bad brown person. The bus was infinitely sexier than the ship: a very bad week for the cruising industry. (1996) 3
FRIDAY DECEMBER 30
Dawn of the Dead (Four, 8.30pm). When there is no more room in hell, the dead will go shopping. As zombies take over the world, survivors seek refuge in a mall. Don’t they know malls are where zombies like to go? The Christmas remains are still being cleaned up. A decent remake of George Romero’s 1978 horror classic. (2004) 7
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